It’s been a fair while since I last blogged, but this time I promise there’s been a genuine reason. On the 13th January we welcomed to the world our beautiful (big!) baby boy, Joshua Peter Bell.
Life’s completely changed.
You may be reading this wondering why I’m sharing all this now, if I have learnt one thing from it all it’s that I probably should of spoken about it more at the time. Only close family and a handful of our best friends knew when we lost the first baby (and I’ll always be thankful for their amazing support) and we told even fewer people about the second one at the time, it meant we could deal with it all in private but at the same time it was hard to keep up pretences of my normal happy self. Even harder when it seemed like everyone around me was announcing their own pregnancies. That’s such a hard thing to deal with, it’s of course a happy moment for people and you want to share in their joy as you are pleased for them but at the same time it reminds you of everything you’ve been robbed of and long for.
Comments such as ‘well at least you fell pregnant’ or ‘there was obviously something not right with the baby’ and ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’ really don’t make you feel any better at the time but looking back now perhaps they were right. I think it’s extremely difficult for people who haven’t been through something like this to understand what it’s like, and in some cases people prefer to avoid the subject all together – what I say to that is there is nothing that you can really say that will make it worse so just ask the person how they are feeling and listen if they need to talk, avoiding it can make them feel very lonely.
Once I did tell people what we had been through (once we had our first scan date) I was amazed at how many people came forward with a similar experience. It doesn’t make it any easier but knowing you aren’t the only one in the world that it has happened to can make you feel less isolated. I also hope that by sharing it can perhaps offer some hope to others in our situation. I know we have been very fortunate and been third time lucky and not everyone who goes through similar has a happy ending but for many, miscarriages are unfortunately very common but you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I was told by a friend of a friend about taking a low dose of aspirin once finding out I was expecting, we’ll never know if it is what made a difference but if it was then I’m eternally grateful for finding out about it.
Looking at Joshua’s little face now though makes me feel truly blessed, and if that’s the journey we had to go on to be with him then in some strange way it all seems worth it. I’d obviously rather not have had to go through it all but as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger x